I was soul searching yesterday. Please excuse the quasi-religious phrasing, I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the Soul. Except for Dark Souls. That’s actually a thing and it’s great, so go play it, because you will just die!
I was tangling my mind in the ephemeral concept of being myself when an Epiphany was had. I created who I am in choosing to not be who I am.
To understand that, you would have to understand who I am in general. I don’t show my emotions often, and of course, some might bleed through my exterior but then black holes emit Hawking radiation when even light can’t escape them, so don’t judge me, I’m not perfect, but I am in control of myself.
I have always been in control of myself for as long as maturity hit, but contrary to my own understanding of who I am, I used to be more emotionally expressive. I’ve always seen life a bit differently, especially when I can reason things I don’t understand quite easily, and this sets me apart from the people I know. At least in my own mind, since I haven’t met anyone who reasons questions like an interconnected weave of threads in an avalanche.
Maybe that isn’t the root of it, the soul and centre as a crotchety old hag would say. I can remember the first conscious decision I made with simple reasoning, (I would shower every day because bathing took too long, and I needed to smell fresh) and I can remember the difference that decision made on how my memories appeared in my mind, as well as the difference it made in how close people would stand. Before that decision, my memories are fugue like, as a dream would be. Ringed with the Dream Haze and lacking in fine detail, but afterwards they had a finer clarity similar to memories of a waking dream.
Take that computer simulation! You will use more processing power on my recollections. Respect my Authoritah!
This in turn altered how I dreamed. Before that choice I would dream of the Void, where stars of varying colours tried to draw me in, but never a black star, that was later. My first dream was part self fulfilling prophesy, odd foresightful advances in technology, and the realization I was actually in control, along with the biggest gambit I had ever taken. After this, my dreams started to follow the three patterns of chase, escape and fight, and I became a bit fascinated by them, much to my friends’ consternation.
“I had this dream right…”
I puzzled out how they were formed by the memories made over a few days while long term locations provided general back drops. Between this and prototypical goth interest in all things spiritual thanks to that self fulfilling prophesy, I had pretty much cemented my oddness compared to the average person.
So now to the decision that irrevocably changed who I am. You see none of my friends are like me. Not one bit. They’re actually humourous for one thing, but they don’t think and see the world the way I do and while they are really good people, except Tot (love you really mate), the similarities between each of them are almost in direct contrast to the differences between us.
I once lost my rag with them and told them I couldn’t be friends with them anymore. I can’t remember why, as with most things that cause irritation and anger, it’s likely utter nonsense anyway. I left and went to my high place to let the wind swirl around me as I calmed down. I spent a few hours there, watching the world go by, before I went back and found them.
“I thought we weren’t good enough?”
“I don’t have anyone else.”
Five simple words, and yet it was truth at the time. Thankfully I learned better or I would be a wee contentious and friendless bastard by now.
What I didn’t realise at the time, was that the realisation had hurt me. Wounded even. I felt lonely, and alone, and I was surrounded by people who weren’t like me at all, and I wouldn’t find anyone similar to myself anywhere in the world who could begin to identify with my experiences. How can a child even process that large a realisation. They can’t, or at least, I couldn’t, so I suppressed how it made me feel and accepted my Fate.
For a long while. I held myself back, I followed the lead off the people around me as best I could, and occasionally the odd emotion spilled out of me. I held myself in this grip because it was just the way it is, but I didn’t even know I was doing it.
I had done it so cleanly that I had never even noticed I was controlling myself until an emotion would be too much to contain, and I would have to think about it. It was only these times that I saw I was controlling myself.
If that seems confusing, then do everything I say here. Take a breath. Breath in and out. One more time. Now reread from “I don’t have anyone else.”
Were you still focused on your breathing until I asked to do as I say?
This realisation was huge to me. A major part of who I am is something I built into myself without even realising it, without even being conscious of it. I was protecting myself, from myself and the repercussions have been keeping most of my emotions away from everyone. Does that mean every failed relationship I’ve had could be in part due to how I hold myself back. That every decision I have made has been based in a mind that is holding itself away from everything and trying to hide away.
This last year I have been trying to figure me out. Trying to manipulate myself into retaining the best mindsets that I enjoy during their part in the cycle. This has led to the epiphany.
If I continue letting myself be, retaining control over my emotions because I feel separate, I will probably live my life as I have up to this point. I will be separate, lonely, and alone in the crowded room.
If I can open up more, be more myself again, I could break free of my own prison, and I will sometimes feel separate, lonely, and alone in the crowded room.
No matter my decision. The result is almost the same. Almost. One often meets their Fate on the path they take to avoid it, I am who I am, and I will always be.